I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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