I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
