omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
