god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the condom got lost in my hair
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
