my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize