We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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