I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dignity is for republicans.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
