and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
