the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
