I just saw a hot homeless man
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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