You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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