Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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