I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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