Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
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By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
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I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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