I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
