you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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