apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
