Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
