oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
ok first of all what the fuck
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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