So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
