Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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