i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
did you just send me my own nude
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
