its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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