Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
