I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
