So drunk its hurt
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
