i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
