He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
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and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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