When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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