I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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