I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
