no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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