My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
