Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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