I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
