yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
