We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
