I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Randomize
