I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You've changed since you got that strap on
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