I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
