yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
