im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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