So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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