New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
