I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
