I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
