I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
