I wish I could punch you in the face.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
