Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
