I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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