come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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