We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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