Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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