i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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