Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
