I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
