Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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