M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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