we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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