a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
