Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
false alarm, still single
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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