Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
