Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
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Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
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Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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