That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
