I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dating After Heartbreak
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?